reports from recovery
Ongoing non-new revelations: my relationship to time has felt so strange. This is the most time I’ve been off work in probably ten years, and the days are shaped so strangely.
The start and end of the day is punctuated by stripping the fluid out of my drains and measuring them - after I wake up and right before I go to sleep. Something about this cadence makes the nights feel like a burden, and the awakeness and slow activity of the day feel luxurious and freeing. Night comes early and quick, and when my steam is out, its out.
My limitations are felt so acutely - my body tells me. I especially feel my mind slowing - my recall is abysmal.
In week 1+ of recovery from surgery, here’s what I’ve been filling my days with:
an abundance of food brought by loved ones <3 <3 <3 highlights include:
so much melon, which I’m appreciating anew
a giant tin of popcorn <3 <3 <3
my favorite Grey Barn cheese
the smoothest hummus
a slew of tv, including the entirety of Ted Lasso, some of the Morning Show (which may be bumming me out), some Friends episodes (Anna said I am Ross x Joey and I want to cancel her for calling me Ross, which is unfortunately a Ross move), the new Kardashians (I am, perpetually, Kris Jenner crying at every little thing), the end of Better Things (cut to me sob-laughing)
short and slow afternoon walks around the neighborhood to look at spring flowers
White Girls by Hilton Als, courtesy of Marissa’s Kindle
a daytime By Hook of By Crook screening with Lake in celebration of tender trans brotherhood love
an endless stream of tiktoks that are probably rotting my brain…to be addressed at a later date
balancing apartment hunting with not feeling too much despair about apartment hunting
avoiding despair for the world, generally
getting into Grailed, why not add a new resale app to my rotation
planning a few future knitting projects
little peeks and squints at my new body, trying to imagine how I will fill in to it once all the tubes and dressings are gone and I can really move
When I spell it all out, I guess it looks like a lot. I’m going to try to go to the studio this weekend to pick up some stuff I can work on at home. I’m trying to allow myself to be slow and gentle, but I also need to nurture my brain a little.
<3 <3